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 Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2

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Sterben

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PostSubject: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sat Jul 02, 2016 2:56 pm

Chapter 2.  Pre-War

Viktor was born on October 22, 2055.  His family consisted of a older brother, younger sister, and his parents, Dimitri Pettrovich and Petia Marv.  His siblings, Petrenko and Mia.  They lived in the town of Omsk, Soviet Union. At age 22, Viktor went to join the military.  On March 11, 2077, he was accepted into the army and started his tour of duty.  On October 17, he was relieved to celebrate his birthday. One week later, Viktor and his family were transported to Cryo Bunker 13. There, they were frozen with several other families.  The goal, to preserve Communist life. 200 years later, in 2273, Viktor and his family are thawed out and travel into wastelandic Siberia. 8 years later, his family dies from a Raider attack.  Although he believes Mia is alive, he travels to Alaska and stays there for two years.  He then travels to present day Oregon, thriving with his friends.

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|Antony|

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 12:01 am

Alright, I have some constructive criticism for you. None of what I'm about to say is meant to be an insult.



Just a general note before I start. You cannot call paragraphs chapters. I mean, I can barely call either of your chapters full proper paragraphs. So putting some more work into your writing would be much better. Now, you are writing a novel off of a Garry's Mod server so obviously no one would expect you to write a real size chapter, but it needs to be longer.

Chapter 1(Prologue)



Descriptions



Alright. Let's start with Chapter 1. Pretty much the entire prologue was descriptions about where things where in a garage. You can't really have an ENTIRE CHAPTER dedicated pretty solely to locations of inanimate objects. These descriptions where not only unnecessary, but pretty weak. A better way to describe things would be to do so as they interact with a character. For example "soandso put a cup down on the table, which was adirection of the otherobject."

Dialogue



This is going to be a brief one since you didn't really have that much dialogue, but I feel like I need to say something. Your characters' dialogue was insanely weak and boring. Also, your formatting for your quotes is off. I'd recommend googling how to properly format it as it would be kinda clunky explaining it on the forums.

General Grammar/Vocabualry



Towards the end of the prologue, you were describing the main character's clothes. You ended up repeating some descriptions for two different articles of clothing. Bad. Also, that "bullet belt" is called a bandolier.

Chapter 2(Pre-War)



Prologue?



I honestly feel like this chapter would be a better prologue than the actual prologue. Now, if this is just your style of writing, then it's a bit unique, but for coherency I feel this chapter should be the prologue.

Life from 0-22



You included no detail on what happened from the time he was born until he joined the military. What it seems, is that "He was born at age 22 and joined the military." You need to give us at least a summary of his early life.

Lore?



Now, I don't pretend in any way to be an expert on the lore, but you might want to read the server's backstory and change some dates and things. Also, please explain to us why he and his family were cryogenically frozen, and why the Soviet Union has cryo-tech.

Tense



Please for the love of god fix your tenses. You can't be using past tense, then in the same paragraph use present tense to describe the past.

Little more on story



Could you describe the Raider attack briefly? You sorta just said "all was fine and dandy until they fucking died." You have to set the mood a bit. Also, what are these "friends" that he thrives with? There was no previous mention of friends anywhere so this sort of came from left field.

TL;DR(Please read the whole thing if you are Sterben) Please put more work into your writing, as it is not too enjoyable to read. However it could be much better and your general premise for the novel seems good.


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Cherry

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 8:47 am

|Antony| wrote:
long paragraph basically calling the guy out and crushing his dreams.

Ok thanks teacher.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 9:08 am

I do have to say that i ,too, have wrote at least three books based in fallout lore with more sci-fi  in them, and my pointers would be to make the dialogue more human, and learn the lore of what you are basing your story on, much like what Anthony said in his post but seeing how the USSR isn't really mentioned in fallout and/or server lore, you have leeway to make things up as you go along, just keep everything in the story a bit grounded.
But when you explain raider attacks,try to make them seem more like a murderous bloody war, cause Fallout's raiders are the very darkest parts of the human mind and persona, and make it seem like it broke a mental barrier in your character.
And don't describe everything the character does,that's filler and no one likes filler, sometimes filler's good,sometimes it ruins the story
I'm not trying to crush your dreams,and neither is Anthony, we are just trying to explain how you could do a better job at writing,although it takes time and time is precious, that's why i'd gather ideas before you hop on the writing train cause jumbled thoughts don't go well on paper.

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|Antony|

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 10:35 am

Cherry wrote:
|Antony| wrote:
long paragraph basically calling the guy out and crushing his dreams.

Ok thanks teacher.

Appreciate ya quoting me on something I didn't say. Did you not read the massive text at the beginning? Its called CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Also, Ghostly, please make YOUR dialogue more fucking human. Your actual sentence coherency is incomprehensible.

GhostlyGoul wrote:
I do have to say that i ,too, have wrote at least three books based in fallout lore with more sci-fi in them, and my pointers would be to make the dialogue more human

GhostlyGoul wrote:
I do have to say that i ,too, have wrote at least three books

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Sterben

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 2:36 pm

Well here is what you are missing.  This is just the first two chapters, created three months ago.  Obviously it's going to get better as it goes by.  Another thing, I could really care less if you find it enjoyable or not.  I'm simply posting it because I planned it for months now.  If you wish to like it or not be my guest.  Also, you don't realize how I picture my story writing.  If I want to be like this, it'll stay like this.  This story is just some middle school novel I wanted to write for fun because this won't go anywhere.  Furthermore, most of you guys aren't much better writers than I am so I don't see why you feel to criticize my work.  EvilSweetBlock is an exception because he didn't try to go "I'm a better writer so I'm going to correct every error you have"on me.  Also, the paragraphs being chapters shouldn't matter to you guys because this is for fun and your enjoyment.  So take some time to think about this and let me know how you feel.

P.S. I will add a chapter later in the story explaining about chapter two in a more detailed way.  Oh, and the USSR thing not being in Fallout, look up some Fallout lore once in a while, you'll find that the Soviet Union is part of Fallout and it briefly mentioned by Codsworth in Fallout 4.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 3:57 pm

Sterben wrote:
Well here is what you are missing.  This is just the first two chapters, created three months ago.  Obviously it's going to get better as it goes by.  Another thing, I could really care less if you find it enjoyable or not.  I'm simply posting it because I planned it for months now.  If you wish to like it or not be my guest.  Also, you don't realize how I picture my story writing.  If I want to be like this, it'll stay like this.  This story is just some middle school novel I wanted to write for fun because this won't go anywhere.  Furthermore, most of you guys aren't much better writers than I am so I don't see why you feel to criticize my work.  EvilSweetBlock is an exception because he didn't try to go "I'm a better writer so I'm going to correct every error you have"on me.  Also, the paragraphs being chapters shouldn't matter to you guys because this is for fun and your enjoyment.  So take some time to think about this and let me know how you feel.

P.S. I will add a chapter later in the story explaining about chapter two in a more detailed way.  Oh, and the USSR thing not being in Fallout, look up some Fallout lore once in a while, you'll find that the Soviet Union is part of Fallout and it briefly mentioned by Codsworth in Fallout 4.

You contradict yourself so much in this, I don't even think it's worth quoting individual parts lol. Okay, here's the thing, denial is the one thing that's going to keep you from writing better. Antony's criticisms are all pretty valid. He's not trying to talk down to you, and everything he said was basal, so I don't know where you're getting the condescending vibe from.

Actually...

Sterben wrote:
most of you guys aren't much better writers than I am so I don't see why you feel to criticize my work.

I suppose we can't criticize the president then, because we haven't held such an authoritative position before? I suppose movie and video game reviewers are all just pointless, right? If readers can't feel anything positive from what you write, then criticism is necessary to make it better. Whether you choose to accept that criticism is up to your discretion, but just because that critic hasn't written anything themselves doesn't make what they say invalid.

Here's how I "feel" because bullshitting you won't help. Your story is excruciatingly poorly written, and you need to refine it, man. As one of my friends described it, it's not a story, it's more like a summary that you'd read on the back of an actual book.

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|Antony|

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 4:14 pm

Sterben wrote:
most of you guys aren't much better writers than I am so I don't see why you feel to criticize my work.

"Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things."


- Winston Churchill

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Sterben

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 4:35 pm

Quote :

Here's how I "feel" because bullshitting you won't help. Your story is excruciatingly poorly written, and you need to refine it, man. As one of my friends described it, it's not a story, it's more like a summary that you'd read on the back of an actual book.
Well if you read my last post, you would've saw that I said it's going to get better at it goes by.  This just the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS.  I've already turned your criticism to something good and worked on my story yesterday and I made sure it looked good for you guys.  What I find annoying is when you guys criticize me again and tell me every detail that's wrong and I already know about it.  If I already know about it stop posting what I need to do so I can get to work and do it.  And it's not denial I'm facing because I'm upset.  I just want you guys to shut up so I can fix my mistakes.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 4:51 pm

That's good to hear, but again, I was not talking down to you. I was not writing my criticism in a condescending way.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 6:32 pm

Okay, I get that.  But next time your write a constructive critic response, could you make it look less like one of Hitler's speeches?

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Sun Jul 03, 2016 6:53 pm

Sterben wrote:
Okay, I get that.  But next time your write a constructive critic response, could you make it look less like one of Hitler's speeches?

You decided to be fucking J.K. Rowling and do something that's been done at least 5 times now. Accept criticism or don't fucking write.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Mon Jul 04, 2016 8:33 am

Sterben, with all due respect, if you don't want people to rip on your novel because you say it’s just the first two chapters, maybe in the future just post the entire thing, not constant updates. Sure we all want people to constantly support us and tell us bits they like about the story. From what I've seen with your reactions and people's reactions, maybe it's better if your next update is more refined, so that you don't have to fall back to "it’s not done yet" card, yknow?

It is actually a very good skill to learn to take constructive criticism. When you say that Antony's (quite thorough and actually pretty helpful) criticism sounds like Hitler's speech, I believe this stubborn attitude is decreasing the possible quality of this novel. Nobody writes perfect stories first time off, and every book that has ever been published I can guarantee you has gone through heavy editing and refinement. I'm not saying all criticism should be taken to heart, but seeing as you are appealing to us, your target audience, I think we should have an input.

Just trying to summarize what's happened here.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Mon Jul 04, 2016 1:58 pm

It'll take forever though, it's super long.  Posting chapters is the fastest way.

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PostSubject: Re: Fallout Decay: A Novel Chapter 2   Mon Jul 04, 2016 4:17 pm

Then fucking do it and don't rush it.
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